Stirrings

10/8/2011   11:16 pm

It’s been several years since I’ve written in my journal, and my handwriting is as bad as ever, so I will try to begin keeping some sort of log here.  I’ve maintained a blog for several years, but that’s public so not everything can go there.

I thought I would give a general update on my life and some things that I’ve been reading and learning lately that continue to shape and evolve my worldview.

First, the mundane: I attended law school from 2006-2009, took the bar exam, passed, and was later hired at a law firm in 2010.  I continue to work there doing primarily business and real estate litigation.  I’m not dating anyone exclusively at the moment, although I’d like to think that could change at any time.  Then again, I always seem to think that.  I’ve learned better than to mention any specific names, since dating is so fleeting and transitory.  I do desire to have a lasting relationship.

Now, on to the spiritual.  I haven’t been too active in the LDS church for several years.  A little over one year ago, I decided it was time to go back, and made some initial steps in that process.  It didn’t last, however, because while I was in the process of meeting with my branch and stake presidents, I met a girl and started dating her.  The next step in that process would have been a disciplinary council of some sort, but it never got that far.  I last met with my former branch president on my 30th birthday.  We had a short discussion wherein I indicated that I wasn’t in a position where I really wanted to “repent” at that point and would prefer to continue coming to church on my own terms and feeling the spirit and slowly growing back into that desire.  After some additional attempts by both him and the stake president to continue meeting with me, I started going to another ward.

It’s been nearly two months now since I’ve been to that ward, and during the past two months I was invited to an online discussion board.  It’s a group of 200-some individuals who were/are affiliated with the LDS church to some extent, but also possess various levels of disbelief or unorthodox views of general LDS historical and doctrinal claims.  After joining this group, I became exposed to various ideas and facts that I had either shelved long ago (during the days before my mission when I first encountered “anti-mormon” literature) or had never heard at all.  This exposure renewed my interest in topics relating to church history, the historicity of the book of mormon, the life of Joseph Smith, the evolution of church policies/practices and doctrines, the function and purpose of the modern church, the present leaders, etc.  Therefore, I began reading various articles, blogs, and stories.  I’ve listened to dozens of podcasts of interviews of various mormon and non-mormon scholars, critics, apologists, and historians on the above issues.

While I hesitate to jump to conclusions, I will describe the direction my investigation is taking me.  I am no longer inclined to believe that the LDS church is the unique salvatory vehicle for all mankind.  Issues surrounding the production and origin of the book of mormon, along with serious doubts as to the reliability of the testimony of the three and eight witnesses, has led me to strongly question its authenticity.  More and more it is starting to appear to be a product of Joseph Smith himself.  This doesn’t mean I think it’s the equivalent of any other novel.  I am starting to view it more as inspired fictional literature.  Jesus constantly taught correct principles through fiction by way of parables.  Could not the book of mormon be a giant parable of sorts?  It is replete with anachronisms and impracticalities that one wouldn’t expect in a true historical record.  The lost 116 pages are problematic: if they were truly translated, why couldn’t they just be retranslated?  The technology of that time period would not have easily allowed Joseph’s “enemies” to alter the manuscript without detection, so that “reason” for not retranslating that portion is unconvincing.  The much more likely explanation is that Joseph knew he wouldn’t be able to dictate those pages again verbatim and that any variations thereof would entirely impeach his credibility.

Later, Joseph got into polygamy and polyandry, which simply strike me as repugnant.  They were later promoted and enshrined by Brigham Young, John Taylor, and Wilford Woodruff, who declared the practice to be necessary for exaltation.  Of course, it was “abolished” in 1890, but church-sanctioned plural marriages continued to be conducted until something like 1904.  Entire books have been written on this subject, so I won’t pretend to give it anything more than a token mention.  Suffice it to say that the concept bothers me and I don’t believe it was ever from God.

These are just a couple points among many.  Church history is full of unsavory facts, and they become even bigger issues when the church either intentionally suppresses and/or mischaracterizes such information, or at least excludes it from official church narratives.  Thus, when faithful members stumble upon it 30 years down the road, it comes as a great shock.  Here is a church that is not at all what they thought it to be.

Like I said, there are many, many issues that challenge the view that the LDS church is the “one and only” true church on the face of the earth.  Most of these issues I see as natural side effects of the foundational cracks in Mormonism, which indicate that a substantial portion of the church and its teachings are most likely man-made.

However, I cannot deny that I have felt what I perceive to be “spiritual” experiences through my involvement with the church.  The facts and issues with which I am now besieged have caused me to go back and reevaluate these spiritual experiences.  The pertinent question is now “Do such experiences support the inference/conclusion that the church (or BofM, or Joseph Smith) is “true” (or a “true” prophet)?  I don’t think that conclusion is entirely warranted.  Thinking back to all my church experiences, I don’t think I can say with certainty that any of them (including those on my mission) require such a conclusion.  Rather, I believe there is a certain pattern of righteous and virtuous behavior that draws one nearer to God, as generally taught by Jesus Christ.  Engaging in such behavior and following such principles will result in the experiences we perceive as “spiritual,” whether inside or outside the LDS church.

I don’t intend to share these thoughts/opinions with my family immediately.  I’ve told a few friends, but that’s about it.  I think it’s good that I’m here in California while my family is in Utah, so that my “apostasy” is remote and remains undetected.  Unless I see a family member going through a very hard time which appears to be brought on directly or indirectly by the church, I don’t see the immediate need of sharing my doubts as to the authenticity of the church’s claims.  I also think that such information could be very distressing to some in my family.  My worldview hasn’t been too dramatically impacted because I’ve already been “outside” the Mormon community for some years now, not living the principles of Mormonism or participating actively with other members.  I don’t really have much of a “community” at all, so there wasn’t much to lose in that respect.  One positive effect of these “discoveries” is that I no longer feel so pressured to find a nice mormon girl to marry.  I don’t feel that my life need ultimately return to a level of full church activity.  If it does, I think I’m okay with that.  I’m pretty sure I could live a passably mormon life, even if I do not believe in many of the church’s truth claims.  I still believe it is “a” vehicle by which many people can be drawn to God/Christ--but I do not believe it to be the only vehicle.  Another good thing is that I no longer worry about two of my sisters, both of whom have fallen away from the church, but still lead good and happy lives.  I perceive that to be a burden lifted, and I realize that my mom would love such a feeling.  If I know my mom, I’m pretty sure she continues to be burdened by the “waywardness” of her children, and most likely she blames herself for having done something wrong in our upbringing that brought about such a result.  That is, of course, entirely false.  Her children are thinking adults and will make their own decisions.  However, many members of my mom’s family are devout Mormons, and she maintains close ties with them, thus I don’t think a weakening of her faith would necessarily lead to greater peace.  It might replace one burden with another.  It’s something I’ll have to think about further.

I’ll continue this later, I hope.  I at least wanted to make some official entry as to the recent evolution of my beliefs and worldview.