Why People Stay

January 19, 2012 6:38 p.m.

What makes someone like me different from someone who remains in the church?  I’ve come to think that most (if not all) rational-minded people, when confronted with all the evidence of what the church really is and how it came to be, will leave.  If, after being confronted with all the issues, they still stay, I think it has more to do with other pressures.  Maybe they are afraid their family will fall apart or they’ll be ostracized if they leave.  Maybe they need the financial support.  Maybe their job depends on their church membership.  Maybe their social life is so tied up in the church that to leave would mean they would lose their entire community.

For myself, none of these factors were an issue.  When I lost my faith, I was all alone in California.  My family is hundreds of miles away, so there is no real need to keep up appearances (and I probably wouldn’t, even if I still lived in Utah).  There aren’t tons of Mormons around here so I didn’t need to stay passably Mormon to stay socialized.  Heck, I’m not even very social, so I didn’t even have much of a community to lose.  I just stopped going to the ward I had been frequenting (of which I wasn’t even a member and kept a low profile).  I’m not dating anyone that would want me to be an active member, so that also wasn’t an issue.

On that last point, however, I wonder if I could bring myself back into church activity for the right girl.  Could I do it?  Would the pressure be too great? I think that I could probably do it. I certainly wouldn't be orthodox or anything, but I could go back and participate meaningfully in a local congregation. It does provide a worthwhile community at times.

Anyway, as for an “historical” update.  I went home for Christmas and had a good time with the family.  I think I am starting to drop clues to my family that I’m no longer active.  They must have noticed by now that I don’t wear garments, so that’s a big one.  Also, on the night before I left to go back home, my mom suggested we have a family prayer, and asked that I say it.  I said a prayer, directing it to “Heavenly Father,” not asking for anything (only expressing gratitude in a general way), and ending it with a simple “amen.”  Not ending in the name of Jesus Christ is clearly unorthodox in Mormonism, so that was another clue to them.  This came a few days after my mom asked me directly how I was doing “spiritually.”  I told her “fine” in an attempt to assuage her, but the whole prayer thing kind of blew it.  I’m presently not entirely sure what spiritual means anymore.

As for my beliefs, my view of the church as being man-made has pretty much solidified.  My journey down the rabbit hole may result in a rejection of Christianity and religion altogether.  I don’t know if I’ll slide all the way into atheism.  I think at most I might become agnostic.  Currently I think of myself as a deist: I think there is some sort of supreme being/prime mover, but I can’t say that I know much about it.  I’ve all but abandoned the Mormon methodology for determining spiritual truth: reliance on one’s feelings.  The journey continues...