"Wanting" to Believe

December 3, 2011 8:46 p.m.

During the year leading up to my mission (1999), the internet was just starting to catch on (at least, as far as I was concerned).  At that time of my life, I was highly focused on gaining knowledge of the church’s teachings (the gospel) so that I would be an effective missionary.  Also during that time period, I started participating in LDS chat rooms and discussion boards.  Often I would engage in “debates” with those I termed “anti-mormons” at the time.  Typically they were current or former church members who had lost their belief in the church for one reason or another.  I became a bit of an amateur apologist during that time period.  Possessing only a high school education, the apologist explanations for many of the problems I encountered with the church were sufficient for me.  (Not coincidentally, I also very much wanted to believe that the church was true; and I operated on a presumption of its truthfulness in everything I heard or read.)

Sometimes I would correspond via email with some of the people I met on these boards.  There was one man I spoke to who insisted that God had led him out of the church.  He appeared very sincere in recounting his spiritual journey.  I took his story seriously, and it bothered me.  I recall wondering if God would really lead someone out of his true church for some reason.  I speculated that perhaps God might do that to allow someone to gain some necessary perspective, but then eventually lead them right back into his fold.  I see now how powerfully I was dominated by presumptions in favor of the church’s truth claims.  During that time, I could hardly fathom someone having a genuinely spiritual experience that actually led them away from the “truth.”

Now, of course, I see things differently.  I acknowledge that people of all cultures and religions have experiences which they perceive to be spiritual, the same way that Mormons do.  Because such experiences are inherently personal and subjective, there is no way to independently determine their validity with any level of confidence.  If there is a God, I have no doubt he would grant spiritual experiences to all his children if they seek him honestly.  This explanation makes sense.  Before and during my mission, I had to do exhausting mental gymnastics to explain away the spiritual experiences of people not in compliance with the church’s teachings.  Now I don’t have to.